9 Reasons She Might Not Be The One


ugly-couples-10She Criticizes You

You’re a god, perfect in every way, and just like the real god, you should smite anyone who offends thee.

She Doesn’t Support You
If every time you blame her for your mistakes she doesn’t apologize, she’s no good, you deserve complete and total devotion.

She Isn’t Doing Her Part
It’s 2014, the best time to be a man. Expectations are at an all time low. More and more guys live at home and work at the same type of job they had in high school, that combined with women facing judgement from their female peers for not being in a relationship and society’s pressure to be financially independent you don’t have to do, be, or know shit. If you’re contributing in anyway it’s time to move on.

She Got Old
She’s gonna get old and there is nothing wrong with that, so long as she doesn’t look it.

She Got Fat
Fat on a women is like rust on a car. The only reason to keep it, is because you can’t get something nicer, unless you’re weird or black.

You Meet Someone Better
When opportunity knocks, don’t be afraid to answer. Sure you might throw away a good thing but you’ll get over it.

You Get Her Pregnant
From least to most, these are the three most damaging things a woman can do to her body: Smoke Crack, Smoke Meth, Get Pregnant.

She Doesn’t Take it in the Ass
Being in a relationship is a pain in the ass, for guys it’s figurative Shopping, listening to long drawn out pointless stories, spending time together… for women it’s literal.

She Has Children
There must be something wrong with her if the last guy left her and his kids… even if she left him, you don’t want to be an in environment where the last guy’s jizz trophies, aka kids, constantly remind you of all the times he busted up in her coochie. Lease don’t buy.

Finding true love isn’t easy but if you work hard you can find a wealthy nympho doormat sterile ageless model.

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Today is the Best You


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“You’re the best! Around! Nothing’s gonna ever keep you down!”

When you get older it’s easy to give up because you fail exponentially way more than you succeed and you miss way more opportunities than you recognize.  It’s easy to look at a child and think about how much possibility they have because their whole life is ahead of them and to think that just because someone is past a certain age that they don’t have just as much to be hopeful for, but the truth is you have more reason to hope than you did when you were 5.  The world doesn’t adjust the number of opportunities based on anyone’s age.  There are always the same number of opportunities on any given day, the only thing that changes is our access to them, our ability to recognize, and achieve them.

Today is the version of you who is the smartest, wisest, and most experienced, today is the version of you who has the greatest ability and opportunity to succeed.  Mankind is not at the top of the food chain because we are the fastest or the strongest, it’s is because we are the wisest.   Younger you might have failed, younger you might have fucked up your life, but they didn’t have your experience. Every time you fail and learn, it becomes that much harder for you to fail the next time.  Lose 1,000 times and learn from it and it will be 1,000 times harder to beat you.

 

 

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You’re Not Good Enough for Heaven


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Truett Cathy, founder of Chic-fil-A died today, so I guess that means Jesus is enjoying a delicious chicken sandwich right now.  That’s what people who believe in that bullshit always say.  When Robin Williams and Joan Rivers died, people said, “The afterlife just got a little funnier.”  Does that mean Steve Jobs is up there right now making iPods and Martin Luther King is marching in parades fighting for equal rights?  What the hell are you supposed to do in heaven if you were an undertaker?

People have been living and dying for a long time, so what is Ted from Karate America supposed to do when he goes to teach Tae Kwon Do and Bruce Lee is up there, besides look like an idiot?  That’s what 99% of us would have to deal with, because most of us are mediocre,  we can’t compete with every great person who has ever lived or who will ever life.

I don’t want to have to tell jokes with Patrice O’ Neal or Richard Prior or George Carlin or Bill Hicks.  Yeah I would love to see them and talk to them but I also want to do stuff, I don’t want to just watch and listen, I want to create.  At least while I’m alive I can be the best comic on my street or achieve a margin of greatness based on some geographic or time limitation.  Heaven isn’t for me or you, it’s for the best of the best of the best and the worst of humanity, who are content with just watching other people.

Even if I did become great, Heaven is still not for me, I don’t just want to do whatever I managed to become great at in life in perpetuity, that is an ironic punishment, “Oh you like to tell jokes funnyman, tell the same jokes over and over and over for all eternity muwahahaha!”

There is no pain or death in the afterlife and once my two biggest motivators are gone what incentives are there?  Just boredom, I guess that’s why ghosts haunt, nothing else to do but go around fucking with people.

 

 

 

 

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Unicorns Don’t Exist


Compromise means never getting what you want.

The ideal relationship is one without want (I don’t know anybody who has that), an acceptable relationship is one with manageable want (know a few of those), and an unfulfilling relationship has a lot of want (the standard).

Relationships have this period of extreme excitement followed by disappointment because we come into it focused on our greatest need and when we find somebody who meets that need there is a rush of fulfillment, but it’s short-lived because our subsequent needs quickly shift to become our greatest need and we’re left feeling just like we did before.  Even if we could find somebody who met all our needs, we’re going to change, so will they, and with it our needs and their ability to meet them.   Life is constantly reshaping us, building us up and breaking us down.  It’s like trying to build something where the parts keep changing.  One day you’re a Lego, the next a Duplo, then a Lincoln Log, a Tinker Toy, a Robotix piece, a Construx peg, and your partner is going through the exact same changes.  Hopefully you get the metaphor because I am out of construction based toy examples.

When you’re both the same piece, that’s when it’s perfect, a unicorn is somebody who is always the right piece, they meet all of your needs and you meet all of theirs and by some miracle you both have complimentary experiences so that you change into the right shapes at the right time.  To find a unicorn you have to meet the right person, at the right time, with the right history, and the right future.  Finding just one of those is pretty impossible, let alone all four.

You’re never gonna find a unicorn so if you don’t want to be alone your only option is to find a narwhal and decide that so long as there is a horn you can live without the horsey parts or you can find a white horse and deal with the hornlessness.

Good luck managing your disappointment and unhappiness.  As always, I welcome your feedback especially if you can prove me wrong.

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Buzzards


“I was watching you fight and because it involves so much difficulty I didn’t involve myself in it personally but now that you’ve won, I want you to know I was rooting for you the whole time, so can I have some of what you bleed, sweat, and cried for?”

I don’t trust people who don’t take sides.  I’m not saying you have to choose an existing side, you can make a new side, but there are always sides.  If you don’t pick a side it means you aren’t governed by principles.  It means you’re the type of person who can watch a friend get fucked over and be cool with it.  It means you’re governed solely by self-preservation and you don’t care about your friends because you’re not a friend at all, you’re just a buzzard.

When I came to Jacksonville I saw a bureaucracy fucking over good people and supporting ass-kissers.  There were a few people who had banded together to try to build something good but they lacked the resources and vision.  They had principles but were just trying to survive.  They helped me deal with the bullshit and I tried my best to help them with everything I have because I counted them as friends and that’s what friends do.  All for one, one for all.  What’s mine is yours.  If it happens to you, it happens to me.

I saw them get fucked over and I couldn’t stand it because a  friend can’t watch his pals get fucked over and be okay with it, a friend can’t watch them get denied the respect they deserve, get shit on by lessor human beings, and then side with the people who fucked them over under some bullshit premise of, “Sorry you got fucked over but I’m not going to stand up on your behalf, I’ll just sit here because how does openly siding with you help me?”  Maybe I could forgive that bullshit if it were for something substantial but it’s for scraps!  The fact that these buzzards stand by and do nothing for scraps only makes their actions more insulting.

Buzzards aren’t anyone’s friend.  Buzzards always wait to see who wins, they don’t believe in anything but themselves, some buzzards are nice, some buzzards are mean, but all buzzards are selfish cowards who never put their ass on the line, they don’t fight for anything, they’re just associates that shift their allegiance constantly depending on their personal risk and potential reward.  They spend their whole life out of harms way, showing up after it’s all said and done to pick up whatever scraps are left.  Buzzards like to think they are neutral but there is no such thing.  If you watch a good person get fucked over and do nothing, that makes you an enemy of good people.

The sad thing is they are all motivated by fear.  Fear of losing what little they have.  They would never risk it to get more, they are small-minded, waiting to see what others are doing, instead of doing it themselves.  Once you know what to look for you can spot buzzards a mile away, never for anyone, never against anyone, just waiting, trying to appear neutral, trying to look like they’re taking the high road, but everyone knows you don’t have the principles you think you do, because you’re not willing to lose it all for what you believe.  It’s that fear of loss.  The fact that they thing is more important to them than the individual.  Because they love the thing, they can watch the injustice happen all day long and it will never churn their stomach, they can eat carrion all day and never wretch.

I see you buzzards.  I know you don’t really care.  I know you’ll show up when the time comes, congratulating my success, telling me how you were rooting for me all along, but you’ll never get my respect and I’ll never let you be my friend.  You’ll serve your purpose and you’ll get your scraps.

The sad part is everyone gets to choose what kind of person they are and some people out of fear and love of things become buzzards.

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Freddy Krueger, The Best Slasher of All Time


Freddy Krueger is the best movie slasher of all time.  If they had a Slasher Pageant, he would win every category.  Best Costume, Unnecessary Weapon Brandishing, Trick Kills, and Taunting.

Best Costume:  Winner: Freddy, Runner-Up: Jason

Freddy wins.  Freddy has the most recognizable silhouette of all the slashers which is very important because slashers do a lot of stalking.  It’s important for your victims to be able to know you’re coming for them from a distance.  Freddy combines style, function, and theme better than every other slasher.  His Christmas sweater/Indiana Jones combo is appropriate for any occasion no matter how casual or formal, and his style hasn’t become outdated in over 20 years.  Jason is a very close second, because of his clever use of an ordinary hockey mask to represent a skull/death but he loses to Freddy because his silhouette isn’t as striking and his outfit is too functional and would not be appropriate for parties or work functions.  Jason does work harder than any other slasher at trying to improve his look by changing it in every film but unfortunately he has been unable to beat Freddy’s sweater, fedora, burn face ensemble.

Unnecessary Weapon Brandishing:  Winner: Freddy, Runner-Up: Leather Face

Freddy wins because his bladed glove is more versatile and visually striking than any weapon when it comes to unnecessary brandishing.  Originally Freddy was the laughing-stock of the slasher community for his weapon choice because of the impracticability and reduced leverage of using your fingers to stab someone but Freddy was ahead of his time and recognized the importance of style over substance when it comes to slashing.  All Freddy has to do is extend his fingers and his victims instantly know what’s coming.  He also makes great use of his environment by raking his claws against railings and walls.  Leather Face comes in second but loses because revving his chainsaw or spinning around in circles waving it over his head is only scary the first couple of times, then he just looks retarded comically trying to control a fire hose.  Freddy also makes sure to change it up slightly so that he never really brandishes his claws the exact same way twice:  by his side,  in front of his face, around a corner, just the shadow of the claws, you never know how he’s going to mix it up.  Honorable mention goes to Ghost Face, he almost tied for second for always remembering to pause before killing someone by first showing both sides of his knife or by holding the blade artistically in front of his mask but ultimately loses the runner-up spot because every time he does any sort of unnecessary brandishing, his victim gets away.

Trick Kills:  Winner Freddy, Runner-Up: No One

Nobody comes close to Freddy when it comes to trick kills.  Whether he’s killing somebody in a video game, turning them into a puppet, making them into a blood fountain, or smashing their head through a TV, Freddy’s ridiculous complex and absurd premises are limited only by his imagination.  Freddy was almost disqualified from this category because of the controversy surrounding the fact that almost all of Freddy’s victims died from seemingly natural causes and that all of Freddy’s elaborate murders only took place in his victim’s mind and never really happened.  Fortunately, Freddy and his lawyers were able to successfully sway the judges by arguing murder should be measured through the experiences of the victim and not the physiology of the victim’s body.  The judges ultimately ruled that if a victim feels, sees, smells, and tastes it, then it counts regardless of what actually happens to them.  This is great news for virtual reality and video game slashers., however there is some discussion about modifying the way this category is judged because not every slasher has the same powers but until that happens, when it comes to murder, nobody can beat Freddy’s imagination.

Taunting:  Winner Freddy, Runner-Up:  Chucky

Freddy is just a cut above Chucky when it comes to taunting.  Chucky is one of the best shit talkers and taunters slashing today.  His unique blend of rage, sadism, and cowardice blends to create the most unique voice in the genre.  Chucky has embraced the absurdity of his character more than any other slasher and he gets funnier and wittier with every film.  The judges agree that Chucky is definitely more fun to watch than Freddy and in spite of such classic lines as, “I give them six months, three if she gains weight.” and “Snap out of it Andy! You act like you’ve never seen a dead body before!” he loses to Freddy because most of what Chucky actually does is hacky and stock slasher lines that seem wittier and funnier because they are coming from a rage filled murderous cabbage patch doll.  So even though Chucky has more attitude and is more fun to watch, he lacks the originality and swagger of Freddy who wins with such lines as, “Welcome to prime time bitch!”  ” I’m your boyfriend now, Nancy,” and “Now I’m playing with power!”

Who do you think is the best slasher?  Do you agree that Freddy wins every category?  Of course you’re wrong if you don’t but chime in anyway!

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Insurance Fraud


I know I haven’t gotten seriously ill or injured my whole life but I’m feeling lucky. Tomorrow I’m going to finally cash in on all that insurance.

You can’t go through life without insurance.  Can you?  What if something bad happens?  What will you do?  What if you get sick, your house burns down, or you get into a car accident?  Insurance is no different than the gambling industry.  The only difference is the insurance companies have tricked you, and in a lot of cases, made it mandatory to make you gamble.  Insurance is a bet.  The insurance company bets you that you won’t get sick or have an accident and you bet that you will.  Every month you’re losing a lot of money gambling that something bad is going to happen to you and it never does.

Health insurance, which has done the best job of fooling everyone into thinking they need it, is probably the worst gamble.  People get health insurance because they are afraid that a treatable illness will kill or disable them.  Based on global mortality rates, you have a 1 in 250,000 chance of dying each day but we live in America and a lot of 3rd world countries and uninsurable people are throwing that average off.  Right now the leading cause of death in America is suicide followed by car accidents.  Sure there are about 45,000 premature deaths linked to people who are uninsured because the uninsured frequently delay or forego doctors’ visits, prescription medications, and other effective or preventative treatments, even when they have serious disease or life-threatening conditions, but that’s only because people believe the myth about how expensive health care is or that there is a stigma for not having insurance.  Both are a lie.  The stigma for not having insurance is really a stigma about not being able to pay for your care and so long as you can pay, doctors actually prefer cash as opposed to filling out paperwork to get paid by the insurance companies and the cost of healthcare is much lower than you think.

On the average health insurance for a family costs $1000 a month, not to mention all the deductibles and copays.  Forget about the copays and deductibles and just consider what you’re paying out a month in fees.  Are you using $1,000 a month on health care?  Do you know that a doctors visit only costs between $75-$140?  How many visits do you do a year?  1 maybe 2, every other week?  It’s still less money to pay for it yourself than to pay for insurance.  You’re just gambling away thousands when you could be saving it, earning interest, imagine being able to put $12,000 a year in your savings or invest it and if you do ever need it, there is no bullshit paperwork or dealing with asshole insurance companies to get your money, it’s under your control.

You don’t need insurance.  You can take care of yourself.  Don’t trust companies who have huge bankrolls, who can manipulate the system, and write confusing policies that always make sure that they come out on top.  I’m 35 and I’ve spent over $120,000 on car insurance in my lifetime and I have never even come close to using half of it and I’ve been in three accidents and my wife has been in 2.

I was just as afraid as everyone else when it came to not having insurance until I went into business for myself and stopped paying for it and started paying cash when I went to the doctor.  I now get sometimes up to 40% off my bill and I’m not gambling thousands away anymore.

Gambling is only profitable if you win and everyone knows “The House” almost always wins.  Occasionally the House does lose but unlike traditional gambling, insurance companies have a way to make it very difficult for you to get your winnings and if you’ve ever had to deal with one when it matters you know how foolish the whole endeavor was and you always come away wishing you never wasted all that money.  Just make sure you’re saving that money and not spending it on shit.

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