Freddy Krueger is the best movie slasher of all time. If they had a Slasher Pageant, he would win every category. Best Costume, Unnecessary Weapon Brandishing, Trick Kills, and Taunting.
Best Costume: Winner: Freddy, Runner-Up: Jason
Freddy wins. Freddy has the most recognizable silhouette of all the slashers which is very important because slashers do a lot of stalking. It’s important for your victims to be able to know you’re coming for them from a distance. Freddy combines style, function, and theme better than every other slasher. His Christmas sweater/Indiana Jones combo is appropriate for any occasion no matter how casual or formal, and his style hasn’t become outdated in over 20 years. Jason is a very close second, because of his clever use of an ordinary hockey mask to represent a skull/death but he loses to Freddy because his silhouette isn’t as striking and his outfit is too functional and would not be appropriate for parties or work functions. Jason does work harder than any other slasher at trying to improve his look by changing it in every film but unfortunately he has been unable to beat Freddy’s sweater, fedora, burn face ensemble.
Unnecessary Weapon Brandishing: Winner: Freddy, Runner-Up: Leather Face
Freddy wins because his bladed glove is more versatile and visually striking than any weapon when it comes to unnecessary brandishing. Originally Freddy was the laughing-stock of the slasher community for his weapon choice because of the impracticability and reduced leverage of using your fingers to stab someone but Freddy was ahead of his time and recognized the importance of style over substance when it comes to slashing. All Freddy has to do is extend his fingers and his victims instantly know what’s coming. He also makes great use of his environment by raking his claws against railings and walls. Leather Face comes in second but loses because revving his chainsaw or spinning around in circles waving it over his head is only scary the first couple of times, then he just looks retarded comically trying to control a fire hose. Freddy also makes sure to change it up slightly so that he never really brandishes his claws the exact same way twice: by his side, in front of his face, around a corner, just the shadow of the claws, you never know how he’s going to mix it up. Honorable mention goes to Ghost Face, he almost tied for second for always remembering to pause before killing someone by first showing both sides of his knife or by holding the blade artistically in front of his mask but ultimately loses the runner-up spot because every time he does any sort of unnecessary brandishing, his victim gets away.
Trick Kills: Winner Freddy, Runner-Up: No One
Nobody comes close to Freddy when it comes to trick kills. Whether he’s killing somebody in a video game, turning them into a puppet, making them into a blood fountain, or smashing their head through a TV, Freddy’s ridiculous complex and absurd premises are limited only by his imagination. Freddy was almost disqualified from this category because of the controversy surrounding the fact that almost all of Freddy’s victims died from seemingly natural causes and that all of Freddy’s elaborate murders only took place in his victim’s mind and never really happened. Fortunately, Freddy and his lawyers were able to successfully sway the judges by arguing murder should be measured through the experiences of the victim and not the physiology of the victim’s body. The judges ultimately ruled that if a victim feels, sees, smells, and tastes it, then it counts regardless of what actually happens to them. This is great news for virtual reality and video game slashers., however there is some discussion about modifying the way this category is judged because not every slasher has the same powers but until that happens, when it comes to murder, nobody can beat Freddy’s imagination.
Taunting: Winner Freddy, Runner-Up: Chucky
Freddy is just a cut above Chucky when it comes to taunting. Chucky is one of the best shit talkers and taunters slashing today. His unique blend of rage, sadism, and cowardice blends to create the most unique voice in the genre. Chucky has embraced the absurdity of his character more than any other slasher and he gets funnier and wittier with every film. The judges agree that Chucky is definitely more fun to watch than Freddy and in spite of such classic lines as, “I give them six months, three if she gains weight.” and “Snap out of it Andy! You act like you’ve never seen a dead body before!” he loses to Freddy because most of what Chucky actually does is hacky and stock slasher lines that seem wittier and funnier because they are coming from a rage filled murderous cabbage patch doll. So even though Chucky has more attitude and is more fun to watch, he lacks the originality and swagger of Freddy who wins with such lines as, “Welcome to prime time bitch!” ” I’m your boyfriend now, Nancy,” and “Now I’m playing with power!”
Who do you think is the best slasher? Do you agree that Freddy wins every category? Of course you’re wrong if you don’t but chime in anyway!